How can I hurt when holding you?

[acontrollist]

After round 3, they fall asleep again. Rachel wakes up first, and realizing that her Dads are probably home, she scribbles down a little note for Noah. Thank you. Signed with a star and a heart. She sets an alarm on his phone for him so that he'll be able to get up and shower before his Mom gets home, sitting it on top of the note on his nightstand and pressing a kiss to his forehead before she's gone.  Sunday, she doesn't do anything. She turns her phone off, and spends all day drifting in and out of sleep, only getting out of bed when her back and thighs feel stiff or her Dad calls her to eat.

Monday is the worst, though. It's not that she's not happy for Kurt. She is. He's still her best friend and she's going to support him in whatever way she can. But when he runs squealing past her to Blaine's locker at the end of the hall before first period, screaming about his acceptance and hugging and doing a little happy dance that attracts the attention of Tina and Artie and Ms. Pilsbury and it-...it's too much. She should be over there, dancing with him, happy, except she can't be. All she can think about is that crumpled letter in the wastebasket in her room, the ink blurry from the way she'd only been able to stand in her foyer and cry over it. When the sharp metal of her locker cuts into her finger enough to hurt, she finally lets go, shutting it. And Rachel Berry has never skipped school before, but the only thing she can think of to do is turn around...and walk out.

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[acontrollist.livejournal.com]

She hums, arching up to his hand again. She could get used to this, she thinks. Just laying here, with him, just feeling-wait, what? She goes tense, but doesn't open her eyes. Did he really just say what she thinks he said? He's probably like the third girl he's ever said that too, but she isn't sure what to-...what? And if that's what he really wants (because she's heard that you're not supposed to say those things in the heat of sex or the afterglow because hormones cloud your judgement), what does she want? If she's honest with herself? He's...amazing on so many levels. Talented, smart (when he applies himself.), sweet (when he wants to be. But she's seen him with his Nana and his baby sister) and...so good in bed but-

She was almost committed to marrying his best friend less than 4 months ago. And granted, she wouldn't have ever said yes, but the fact was that they were together enough that he thought it was appropriate to ask. And until the night that Finn actually asked, Rachel was sure it was in their future. Part of Rachel thinks its bad enough that she's laying here with him now, naked and tired and well fucked. But the way she feels right now (or felt, until Noah said that), is too good to give up. Too good to mess up by giving him something that she may not be ready to give.

She laughs nervously, shrugging, glad he's mostly asleep (and therefore probably too inattentive to notice the gears turning in her head). "That provides no actual sustenance, Noah." She mumbles, scratching her nails through his mohawk, watching him fall asleep.