How can I hurt when holding you?

[acontrollist]

After round 3, they fall asleep again. Rachel wakes up first, and realizing that her Dads are probably home, she scribbles down a little note for Noah. Thank you. Signed with a star and a heart. She sets an alarm on his phone for him so that he'll be able to get up and shower before his Mom gets home, sitting it on top of the note on his nightstand and pressing a kiss to his forehead before she's gone.  Sunday, she doesn't do anything. She turns her phone off, and spends all day drifting in and out of sleep, only getting out of bed when her back and thighs feel stiff or her Dad calls her to eat.

Monday is the worst, though. It's not that she's not happy for Kurt. She is. He's still her best friend and she's going to support him in whatever way she can. But when he runs squealing past her to Blaine's locker at the end of the hall before first period, screaming about his acceptance and hugging and doing a little happy dance that attracts the attention of Tina and Artie and Ms. Pilsbury and it-...it's too much. She should be over there, dancing with him, happy, except she can't be. All she can think about is that crumpled letter in the wastebasket in her room, the ink blurry from the way she'd only been able to stand in her foyer and cry over it. When the sharp metal of her locker cuts into her finger enough to hurt, she finally lets go, shutting it. And Rachel Berry has never skipped school before, but the only thing she can think of to do is turn around...and walk out.

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[but_idontlie]

"After," he agrees, although he doesn't entirely know what he's agreeing to do after. He removes the condom, an action he could probably perform in his sleep, and wipes his hands on the bedsheets when it drops with a soft liquid thud in the trash can. And the after doesn't entirely matter, not when he fits his head into the void against her head and neck, wrapping his arms around her body and hauling her close, almost atop him, definitely to the point of cuddling. [Oh, Rachel. He loves how tiny you are, and the way that you fit perfectly in his arms. How the hell did you get this perfect?]

It takes him a few moments before he shakes his head minutely, sighing and merely hugging her closer. "Fuck, Rach," he mutters, dragging his lips over her temple, one hand finding her breast and cupping it, his thumb and fingertip finding her nipple and rolling it between the pads of his fingers. "Baby, s'not bad. You looked tired. Puckasaurus did you good, and I wanted to fuck you. S'okay. You were awesome. I love fucking you, Rach." He kisses her temple again, his lips traveling over her skin and into her hair. "M'fuckin' tired. If I wake up first, can I go down on you?" [It's a genuine question; he wants permission first, but he's pretty sure she'll give it.]

[acontrollist.livejournal.com]

Rachel's surprised that she's not more disgusted that he just wipes his hands on the sheets, but a lot of things regarding the way she feels about Noah and the things he does are starting to surprise her and she's starting to think that maybe being surprised is just a waste of time. The mood gets tense, suddenly and she forces a smile, responding "You just did." to his "Fuck, Rach." "I-...really?" She's used to being told that she's a good singer, a good dancer, things she's trained at for years. Things she's honed, but it's different when someone-when Noah-tells her that he loves having sex with her. And she has no delusions. She doesn't think he's saying that she's the best he's had. She knows she's not. But he's also the resident expert in sex so for him to say that she's good makes her feel good. It's a kind of validation that Rachel didn't think she'd ever need.

You'd think that laying in bed, naked and sweaty and slightly sticky would completely obliterate all feelings of modesty and embarrassment. But she blushes at his question and shrugs, folding both legs over his hip and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "If you wake up first." She nods. Although, she's seen how heavily Noah sleeps...waking up first doesn't seem like it's gonna happen.

[but_idontlie]

He wipes his hands on the flat sheet on his side of the bed, thank-you-very-much; Rachel won't touch it, but he has no energy to get out of bed, and he doesn't want to touch her with sticky slick fingers. "Really," he murmurs, callused fingers sliding around the curve of her breast and feeling the heft of it against his cupped palm. "You don't get that? Babe, you know I wanna be here with you, right? If sex was all I wanted, I could get it from anybody. I want to be with you." It's not just the sex. It's definitely not just the sex. As to whether he's ready to admit that to himself or to her, he isn't certain. He's here with her now, not with anyone else. He has no desire to be with anyone else, to kick her out or leave her here or to be anywhere other than wrapped up with her, in his bed, as the sunlight trickles through his curtains and they ignore everything - NYADA, school, Beth, everything.

His arms wrap even tighter around her and he buries his face against the curve of her neck, nuzzling closer to her as he brushes his palm over her hip. "Sweet. You taste so fucking good. M'gonna be hungry when we wake up."

[acontrollist.livejournal.com]

She hums, arching up to his hand again. She could get used to this, she thinks. Just laying here, with him, just feeling-wait, what? She goes tense, but doesn't open her eyes. Did he really just say what she thinks he said? He's probably like the third girl he's ever said that too, but she isn't sure what to-...what? And if that's what he really wants (because she's heard that you're not supposed to say those things in the heat of sex or the afterglow because hormones cloud your judgement), what does she want? If she's honest with herself? He's...amazing on so many levels. Talented, smart (when he applies himself.), sweet (when he wants to be. But she's seen him with his Nana and his baby sister) and...so good in bed but-

She was almost committed to marrying his best friend less than 4 months ago. And granted, she wouldn't have ever said yes, but the fact was that they were together enough that he thought it was appropriate to ask. And until the night that Finn actually asked, Rachel was sure it was in their future. Part of Rachel thinks its bad enough that she's laying here with him now, naked and tired and well fucked. But the way she feels right now (or felt, until Noah said that), is too good to give up. Too good to mess up by giving him something that she may not be ready to give.

She laughs nervously, shrugging, glad he's mostly asleep (and therefore probably too inattentive to notice the gears turning in her head). "That provides no actual sustenance, Noah." She mumbles, scratching her nails through his mohawk, watching him fall asleep.