acontrollist | We built these paper mountains, then sat and watched them burn.

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We built these paper mountains, then sat and watched them burn.

"I'll call you tomorrow, I promise." Rachel smiles, closing her eyes as Jeremy leans down, dropping a kiss on her nose. It's a strangely innocent gesture, considering that she's wearing little more than one of his t-shirts and a pair of sleep shorts. Considering they'd come home tipsy the night before and immediately retired to her bedroom for a...well. It was nice. A nice night. And judging by the way Noah and Santana talk about it, Rachel's sure she should have something other than the word nice to describe her sex life but it's really all that's ever come to mind. Jeremy tugs her close for a real kiss then and she leans up on to her toes to return it, before moving away to shut the door behind him and head into the kitchen for something to eat.

Generally, Rachel would feel iffy about having sex in an apartment with such thin walls, knowing that she has a roommate (one of the advantages to she and Kurt not sharing an apartment, even if they are best friends). But lately, Noah's been bringing home (and isn't it funny that she thinks of this place as both of their homes now?) a string of strange women. And having very loud sex. Rachel doesn't even really know how you manage to have the kind of sex it sounds like Noah is having on a twin bed. At least Rachel can pretty much guarantee that her sex with Jeremy last night was no where near as disturbing to Noah's sleep patterns as his is to hers.

And that's the only reason it's bothering her, really. Noah's allowed to do what he want. Sleep with who he wants. It's just that he's keeping her up...really. That's all.

Opening the fridge, Rachel grabs the orange juice and a few eggs, humming The Bitch of Living as she sets about making herself some scrambled eggs. Thank god for no longer being vegan. Scrambled eggs are definitely one of the best inventions ever.

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Right, Chef Puckerman, he could just see it now. The first complaint he got and the customer would be getting something a little special in his replacement meal. Hell, he wouldn’t even need complaints; Puck was like to do such a thing just because he was bored or in a bad mood.

“Me and school don’t mix, I’m done with that schtick,” he replied, finishing off the eggs. A slow eater he certainly wasn’t. For what it was worth, he did appreciate the apology. He [i]had[/i] been called a jerk many times in his life, but it was the terms like ‘useless’ and ‘loser’ and ‘stupid’ that hurt more, so to have Rachel apologise for one so trivial made it pretty clear that she wouldn’t resort to any of the ones that would really wound.

Her laughter was encouraging, she’d always had a great laugh, and Puck turned in his seat to face her, one hand resting on the back of her stool and the other on the counter as he leaned in a little closer.

“You suppose? I don’t give out compliments easy, Berry, so you should take them when you get them,” he said, grinning at her. “It’s true. You got that tiny waist, and legs that never end and, sure, I’ve seen bigger boob, but more than a handful’s a waste, right? It all works together in this great package, and if Jeffery just isn’t doing it for you you should find yourself a real man who will.”

"So what's the plan then?" It's not accusatory or demeaning. Simply curious. Without formal schooling, there's really not much Noah can do with himself without much difficulty. So if he's not planning to go to school, Rachel's curious as to his alternative. Judging by the pure hatred and irritation that radiates off of him for at least an hour or two after his shift ends, he can't be planning on staying there.

She doesn't turn to face him as he leans closer, biting her lip. Even if neither of them have showered yet, he still smells so good. Like sweat and man and Noah and no, her breath doesn't hitch just a bit. "Well thank you, then..."

"Jeremy. And obviously, I'm not the best at being able to tell..." She shrugs, the finger poking out of the bandage on her hand toying idly with her hair. "I just...I don't have the time to audition men based on their sexual prowess, Noah. And I don't understand how I'm meant to look at a guy and know."

What was the plan? A very good question, but unfortunately one Puck couldn’t answer. Currently he didn’t have a plan. The original plan had just been to get out of Lima, find somewhere to crash and get a job that would cover the bills. He had achieved that, mostly, so now what? He just didn’t know. It wasn’t like he could really afford to go to school for anything. Sure, he could probably ask his mother to help him out, but he was determined to do this on his own... somehow.

Shrugging his shoulders in response, he hoped to distract Rachel enough with... other topics so that she didn’t question him further. It was far too early in the morning (it wasn’t that early) to think about life decisions, and it was way more satisfying to think about all the body parts he’d just been praising.

“You got that right,” he said with a chuckle. Although he didn’t know anything about her sex life with Finn (and didn’t want to know, thank you), he had known all about Finn’s ‘little problem’, so unless she had been able to teach him a few things, or one night with Santana had been able to work miracles, then he couldn’t think that life before NYC had been too exciting for her in this area.

“You know what your problem is? You’re always looking for the leading man,” Puck pointed out, quite proud of this theory of his. It really explained a lot to him. Back in Glee club, Artie had always had the better voice, but he hadn’t fit the model for the perfect boyfriend, so of course Rachel would throw herself at Finn and try to raise him up to her equal because he was the cookie cutter image of a leading man... at least physically. Not to mention that he let her walk all over him. “Nice, simple, perfect... [i]boring[/i]. You need someone with some edge, someone who doesn’t fit into that perfect mould.”

Rachel drops the subject, just like she always does. Really, as long as he's working, trying to do something, anything at all with himself, she doesn't want to push him too hard. After his lack of motivation in high school, she's reluctant to harp on whatever motivation he has now, even if she is completely convinced that he can do much better. And anyway, she can already tell that he's totally checked out of the conversation and she can swear she feels her pupils dilating when she realizes that his eyes are on her bare legs. Blushing, she crosses her legs and tugs her t-shirt down over her thighs, trying to subtly shit the attention.

It's not like Puck's never hit on her. Like they haven't made out before...there's been a few drunken pecks here and there since he moved in, even, but she's unsure how to handle this sober attention.

The Artie example is totally irrelevant. It would probably work better with Puck or maybe Mike, but Artie and Rachel had absolutely nothing in common. That relationship would have fizzled out faster than his short lived run with Sugar their senior year. "O-oh?" She finally looks over at him, head tilted a bit. "Where do you propose I find one of those, then?" Because Noah's too busy trying to work his way through the female population of New York.

Only when Rachel blushed and shifted her position did Puck realise the slippery slope he had been heading down. At first it had all been about getting under her skin. He had been frustrated ~~and jealous~~ and had wanted her to admit that Jeremy wasn’t as perfect as he appeared, and it had worked until she had gotten hurt; hurt because of him. Now he just... he wanted her to realise she deserved better. She was always able to make him feel better about himself, to make him feel like he wasn’t worthless and that maybe someday he could even make something of himself, and maybe he just wanted to return the favour.

It didn’t hurt that everything he said he meant one hundred percent.

But now she was asking where to find someone better and suddenly all his courage left him, but it also left him with a sudden realisation: what he really wanted to say in reply was right here beside you. She was so close he could smell her, but he could also smell Jeremy because of that stupid shirt she was wearing. It would be so satisfying to tear it off of her and make her scream like that douchebag couldn’t. The answer was right there in his eyes if she wanted to see it, but also lower if you catch my drift. Finally breaking the gaze, he quickly turned away to hide his... excitement and grabbed up his dishes.

“It’s a big city,” was his non-answer.

The non-answer and sudden departure doesn't help Rachel at all. If it'd been anyone else, she may have kept pushing. May have realized that they were hinting at themselves all along but Noah wasn't like that. He never had been. When he wanted something or someone, he went out and got it/them. Regardless of what supposedly stood in his way. Exhibit A: Quinn. Exhibit B: The fact that he came to New York with no money, no job and no place to stay. So whether or not Rachel's hoping he'll just lean in and kiss her (because she's seen the girls he brings home and 5 minutes of compliments can't reverse years of being told her boobs are too small or she's too short or her nose is too big and she can't find the courage to take that chance herself) is irrelevant because he doesn't.

"Y-yeah." She nods, returning her attention to her plate once he's gone. "It is. Suppose I'll have to...start patrolling back alleys and prison release ports." When in doubt, tell a joke, right?

Puck was usually a man of action rather than words, and whatever he wanted he made it work. The only problem was that a few short years ago he had put Rachel on a very exclusive ‘off limits’ list. He had grown in high school, had learned from his mistakes, and when the opportunity had presented itself for him to have her he had turned her down. He had betrayed Finn once with Quinn and he had promised himself never again. Finn had been his best friend for years, and Puck had finally learned what it was to be a friend, but also what it was like to have someone he loved taken from him. He didn’t want to do that again, nor did he want to risk losing any more friends. Since everyone had gone their separate ways after graduating, he really didn’t have many left.

Maybe he had grown, maybe he had matured, but he knew if he crossed that line with Rachel it had the chance of screwing everything up. Or maybe he was just afraid of being used or rejected by her again.

Setting his dishes in the sink, he tried to think of something to say. He couldn’t help but take her joke a little personally even though she probably had no idea that he had been unconsciously thinking of himself when he was telling her what she needed.

“I said a little edge, not a psycho creep... unless you’re really that desperate,” he tried to joke back, but it fell flat. The whole situation just really sucked. This was why feelings got in the way; if she had been just anyone he wouldn’t think twice about taking her right there on the kitchen counter, but the fact was that he actually cared about her, even respected her. She couldn’t be just another one night stand.

There’s always that whole friends with benefits thing, though...

"Noah." Rachel sighs, sliding off of the stool and carrying her plate to the sink. "I'm an actress. All of the guys I spend my time with? Are gay. Or like Jeremy. You're the only person I know with any edge or whatever you seem to be prescribing as a remedy for my...problem that I didn't know was a problem." She doesn't even really realize what she's said until after she's nudged him aside and started to rinse her plate off. She can't wash it, not really, what with one hand bandaged up, so she sits it in the dishwasher instead.

Logically, Rachel knows that letting sex enter their relationship could be a horrible thing. Noah's never been a commitment type of guy, and Rachel's never been one for casual sex. Forcing one of them to do one or the other would probably only result in a resentful Noah or a jealous, hurt Rachel. Illogically, Rachel knows she's already jealous. She can hear the women in his room at night and she's never...it's more than just the fact that they're with him. The things it sounds like they're feeling, she's never come close to. It only makes it worse that they get to feel them with Puck when she doesn't.

Puck stayed at the since when Rachel approached, watching her rinse the dishes, close but never too close. There it was; he was the only one she knew that could help her. Of course she hadn’t really said it like that, and he was sure she hadn’t meant it like that, but damn if it wasn’t tempting.

Would it be so bad? They were both adults, after all, and the both had needs, so would it be so wrong to help each other out? Not that he ever needed the help, but still, they were friends and friends helped each other, right? It didn’t have to be a big deal, it was just sex. It didn’t have to be anything more than that, it could just be convenient. Would that be so bad? He kept trying to rationalise it while he stood there looking at her, and it was even starting to work.

Damn it, he was really going to regret this later. “So me, then.”

The words were out before he could think about it any more, before he could stop himself.

"So me, then."

Rachel freezes. She'd been hoping he'd say that, of course, but...now she realizes that she doesn't know what he means. Hopefully, Noah knows her better than to suggest that they attempt a casually sexual relationship but...what if that is what he's suggesting? If she asks, and she's right and she turns him down, then...what happens? Or she takes him up on his offer and decides she can't do the casual thing. What then?

"I-...what do you mean?" She says instead, only slightly turning her head to look at him, gnawing on her bottom lip. At this point, now that the fantasy of being with Noah is gone, she doesn't know what she'd prefer and it's tearing her nerves apart.

What did he mean? What did he mean? He had done the whole relationship thing before and, frankly, he’d sucked at it. He’d done the love thing to and it had tore him apart. Losing Shelby and Beth in one fell swoop had almost torn him apart, not that anyone had really noticed. Everyone had been so caught up in their own drama at the time that he had been able to put on a happy face and go back to his old ways of casually dating any and every girl he wanted and he hadn’t tried a relationship since.

But this was Rachel! Part of him thought (or hoped?) that maybe she had changed since Finn and would be up for just having some fun, but the fact that she was in a relationship with Jeremy seemed to speak to the contrary. Maybe he was wrong, maybe it could work. He was over thinking it again, making it all too complicated.

“What do you think I mean?” he asked, turning to face her with a smirk on his lips. Placing one hand on her hip he leaned in, hovering over her and holding her gaze. “You pretty much admitted that Johnny can’t get you off, and that is a problem, one that I don’t have.” Please don’t make this complicated. Shit, I’m gonna ruin everything. yet he couldn’t seem to stop. “I could make you scream without even taking my clothes off.”

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Even if she was horny enough to go for it once, Rachel just wasn’t that kind of girl. They couldn’t be just friends after this, yet Puck wasn’t sure if he could be more either.

Rachel had tried the casual sex thing when she first moved to New York. It hadn't worked out. And though that may have had something to do with the sex being mediocre, she thinks maybe it was mostly due in part to the fact that Rachel's just not built that way. She's too selfish, to much of a hopeless romantic. She loves too hard, too easily for it to work out. While she doesn't doubt that they could probably pull it off for a little while, she knows that eventually the jealousy would be too much for her and either he'd get fed up with it or she'd have to cut her losses to preserve her own heart and she doesn't want to think about what would happen to their friendship then.

"Jeremy." She corrects him again, pushing back off of the counter. "I don't doubt that you could, Noah. I just hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting." Because Puck's her best friend. And she really hopes he knows she's not a one night stand type of girl. Or a no strings attached type of girl. She hopes he thinks she's worth more than the chicks he brings home and never calls again.

They're treading a dangerous line here. This conversation could make or break their relationship and just thinking about it makes Rachel want to cry in frustration and fear. She wants him. She does! But she's scared. Of losing him, of losing herself. It's really all too much to handle right now but Rachel's always been a glutton for punishment, it seems.

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We built these paper mountains, then sat and watched them burn.

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